Monday, July 11, 2011


What to do. What to do. I really don't know what to do. Isaiah 43:1-2 is on my mind. Tells me not to be afraid, God is taking care of me. I am at the point where I am done, I am going to give it all to God. He knows what is best. Being upset is just hurting me, no one else. If I am needed I am at the same place. There is no one that can come into my life, or anything that can be done against me by someone else that would make me turn my back on anyone. I have been very forgiving in my life, I have even forgiven the person that took my mother from me.
Life is way to short to be dealing with crap, and this is not a dress rehearsal. You get one chance to live your life. If one decides to live life to only have fun and party, some day one will wake up one day and wonder were there life went. Don't get me wrong, I am not perfect. That is why I am able to say it, there were a few years that I was in bad things. I needed to forget and hide the hell that my life was. Didn't make it any better, just made me more sad.
There was only 2 things that ever made me proud, my 2 kids. That was it, the only thing that I was proud of. Proud how close they were, proud how beautiful they are. And that I thought they loved me. Those of you who know me, know my life was a big crapfest. I dealt with it, and survived. God has been the big healer in all of it, and I thank Him everyday. I am giving it all to Him. He knows what is best for me, how to deal with the pain and sadness, how to survive the guilt.
There are some out there who get mad that I blog, it sure beats the alternative, like just shutting down and ending it all. This actually helps, I write it and let it go. God bless you all and have a joyous evening

Monday, July 4, 2011

New blog

I am sitting here wondering how people can be so judgmental towards others. My life has not been a picnic, believe me nothing close to it, but because of the abuse and horrors I have encountered during my years on this earth I have tried. to not be the cause of another's pain, but still there are haters. Before anyone dogs another please look in the mirror, all the pain that u are causing others, usually is because you hate yourself. I know where you are coming from, I myself at one time what a self hater, but then one day I realized, all my pain and hatred towards myself and others was not caused from anything that I did. The abuse was caused not from anything I did, but by how the abuser felt about there own selves. I have learned a long time how to forgive, I forgive way to easy at times. I Have tried to reach out to people I love and are very important to me, to no avail. It just brings me back to being abused. Just because someone isn't hitting you, doesn't mean your not being abused, and just because I have forgiven people doesn't mean I have forgotten what they have done to me. I remember it all, and still cry about it.
Losing my mom at 17 by the hands of an evil person has made me very sensitive also. You don't dis your mom. She will leave you some day, and believe me, you don't want the regret for the rest of your life. My mom wasn't the best mom in the world, she was an alcoholic and was never home, but she was MY mom, and I loved her, and I am very glad that she new that. I only got about 8 years with her, and that makes me very sad. If there is someone one out there that you love, don't let crap separate you. Don't let the attitude of others deter you from contacting that person. Life is to short to hate, believe me I know. I once was a hater, and it was a huge waste of time. And it made me more sad. If you are having a problem with a family member, stop it NOW. These trivial people in your life will come and go, family you will need forever. My siblings and I aren't as close as I wished we were, but let me tell you, I couldn't love them more than I already do. I know it is my fault because I don't reach out, but I learned long ago to keep my mouth shut about things or be knocked around. Habits are very hard to break. The night before last I got 2 hours sleep because I was so scared something had happened, then to find out that the one person that should of been there to help was there and didn't care. I have never been more disappointed. It actually hurts my heart that there is so much hate. Someday there will be a separation and the eyes will open about the control going on. The one sided story that is being told is a hard pill to swallow, and the rumors that are going around are really pissing me off and seriously making me want to bring out the mama bear. But you know what, I have decides to just sit back and watch the crash and burn. Oh this will all come to a screeching halt, I have seen it before, the control will end and the eyes will be opened. I look around me, look at the people in my life, and mostly I am proud, but come on. Seriously, to allow this to tear apart a family. Hard to believe, but I am at a loss for words. STOP LAUGHING. I am. My mom was 42 when she died, yes she was killed, but no one has any idea what life brings. If it happened to me, it can happen to you. People wake up and smell the coffee, this is some bull. I want my family back.

Saturday, June 18, 2011


. More than half my life I have been either abused or ignored. I have learned to cope with it. They say what doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger. If this is true I could take on Hurculese. I am not complaining, my life has made me who I am, I don't think I am a bad person. It has also lead me to God, which without Him, I would of ended my life years ago. There were many times I almost did it, but something stopped me. Now the pain and not wanting to go on has returned. This is not a cry for help. I know I wont do anything, that is the good thing about Knowing Jesus and the Bible. If I do it I know where I will go.
   This is my dilemma, my kids wont talk to each other and it is killing me. I sit and cry everyday about it. I was so proud that they were so close. I fear they will never speak again. This life is not a dress rehearsal, you only get one try. I have been on my knees everyday, and now it is affecting my grandkids. My granddaughter said she wished that everything would go back to the way it was, and it makes her cry.
   I love my kids with all my heart, I never knew what love was until the day I had my son. I never felt like anyone loved me, and I promised myself my kids would know I loved them. I don't think I did a good job. There are things in my kids life that I don't agree with, but that does not mean I love them anyless.
    I don't know what to do, I worry everyday, I have a migraine everyday. This is slowly killing me everyday, and now they are alienating my siblings. I still see everything that happened when my mom was killed, the loneliness, the pain, the anger, I still feel that on a daily bases. I still miss my mom so bad it hurts.What is going to happen to my kids if something happens to me? They don't speak to each other.  We never know how many days we have left, anything can happen.
   Well my rant is over, I thought it would make me feel better, but alas, I feel worse. May God bless you everyday...............