Saturday, June 18, 2011


. More than half my life I have been either abused or ignored. I have learned to cope with it. They say what doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger. If this is true I could take on Hurculese. I am not complaining, my life has made me who I am, I don't think I am a bad person. It has also lead me to God, which without Him, I would of ended my life years ago. There were many times I almost did it, but something stopped me. Now the pain and not wanting to go on has returned. This is not a cry for help. I know I wont do anything, that is the good thing about Knowing Jesus and the Bible. If I do it I know where I will go.
   This is my dilemma, my kids wont talk to each other and it is killing me. I sit and cry everyday about it. I was so proud that they were so close. I fear they will never speak again. This life is not a dress rehearsal, you only get one try. I have been on my knees everyday, and now it is affecting my grandkids. My granddaughter said she wished that everything would go back to the way it was, and it makes her cry.
   I love my kids with all my heart, I never knew what love was until the day I had my son. I never felt like anyone loved me, and I promised myself my kids would know I loved them. I don't think I did a good job. There are things in my kids life that I don't agree with, but that does not mean I love them anyless.
    I don't know what to do, I worry everyday, I have a migraine everyday. This is slowly killing me everyday, and now they are alienating my siblings. I still see everything that happened when my mom was killed, the loneliness, the pain, the anger, I still feel that on a daily bases. I still miss my mom so bad it hurts.What is going to happen to my kids if something happens to me? They don't speak to each other.  We never know how many days we have left, anything can happen.
   Well my rant is over, I thought it would make me feel better, but alas, I feel worse. May God bless you everyday...............

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